Relationships remain healthy whenever problems don’t exist. Conversation is filled with laughter and fun and a burst of excitement. There’s a level of anticipation to reconnect whenever you’re apart.
Now, things can take a sharp turn when we disagree, even over little things. Imagine going from the love of your life or the best friend you ever had to the person you hate the most. Every time you see this persons your blood boils.
What do we do in these moments? What happens if the issue is left unresolved and the disagreement lingers for what seems to be eternity?
We look to answer that question in this week’s episode where we explore 5 ways broken decisions are breeding resentment in your relationships.
Before we jump into the discussion first let’s review our core scripture and last week’s episode.
Core Scripture:
“”A married woman might make a vow that she will do something or swear an oath that she won’t do something. Her husband may hear about it but may say nothing and not object. Then her vow or oath must be kept. But if her husband cancels it when he hears about it, nothing she said in her vow or oath has to be kept. Her husband has canceled it, and the LORD will free her from this vow or oath. “A husband decides whether or not his wife has to keep any vow to do something or any oath to do without something. If he says nothing to her about it day after day, this means he’s decided that she must keep her vow or oath. She must keep it because he said nothing to her when he heard about it. But if he cancels it later, he will suffer the consequences.”” (Num 30:10-15, GW)
Recap:
Last week we spend time looking on 4 toxic mindsets that sabotage decision making. They are:
- Making decisions without the other person knowing
- Undermining the decisions of others
- Having no respect for the person
- Lacking the courage to speak up
- Being disrespectful
These mindsets is a breeding ground for several problems to come up in your relationships. Let’s take a look at the first one.
Point 1: Mistrust
Mistrust is where we want to start because its the first thing to go whenever problems arise.
Relationships are built on trust and grow through collaboration and partnership. You can clearly see Gods intention in Genesis 2 when he said it wasn’t good for the man to be alone. This sets the stage for the reason why Relationships matter. Now this looks good when everything is fine. But, what if we disagree?
Now we see where a flood of emotions start to surface and dominate our minds in the moment.
What if you and a colleague are working on a project. Let’s say planning an event. Things are going well until you disagree on where the event should be hosted. Both locations are ideal but one requires more work to set up and the other one doesn’t. What if your colleague went behind your back and book their preferred location. What would you do when you find out? Would you be able to trust the person?
Here’s another scenario, you are having a personal problem with someone and your speak to a friend about how to resolve it. You outline the challenge and seeking a solution to get this project completed but the only problem is getting the person to sign off. Your friend went ahead and tell the person what you said even though your intention is to find a solution. What would you do when you find out?
One more before we move on, a wife and husband is having a conversation about a matter. The wife is having a challenge with the behavior of a neighbor. The husband is ready to confront the issue head on but the wife wants to let it go as she is just letting him know how she feels. However the husband still went ahead and confronts the neighbor anyway.
These are just some examples as to how mistrust can happen, which is usually caused by when the person makes a decision without our involvement.
This sets up the second point nicely.
Point 2: Resentment
According to Jeremiah 18:18 resentment is defined as having an accusation against someone. Resentment makes you suspicious and you end up making accusations against others some may have no grounds.
Resentment usually happens as a result of mistrust. You find it hard to believe that this person will fulfill their promise. But with Resentment its how you feel as a result of the broken promise.
This negative emotion is linked both to the act as well as the person. This broken promise created a wound. This emotional wound cuts deep and can reopen whenever a similar situation occurs or whenever you see the person the memory resurface. Even if the situation happened a long time ago.
What do you think would happen when you see your colleague who violated your trust again? How would that conversation go if left unresolved? The key here is the unresolved issue? Or the colleague who didn’t involve you in the decision making while planning the event. How would you react during the planning meetings? Would you make a contribution if asked for your opinion or views?
Be honest with yourself as these situations are hurtful. They force us to rethink our value in the relationship and cause to pause and ask ourselves do we want to continue like this?
If these questions are not answered, it usually lead to the next item on the list.
Point 3: Bitterness
Bitterness similar to resentment is a wound that cuts deep. But this issue is usually shown through our behavior. It and resentment are travel partners and you won’t see one without the other. Whenever there is bitterness, resentment is close by.
Going back to the broken trust mentioned earlier. What if the issue is left unresolved and a few months pass by, no one says anything. You still feel the sting of the situation. Now every time you see the person, you not only feel the sting, you’re now burning with anger. This now leads to you planning your revenge to get even.
That is how bitterness works. It builds and overtime leads to something that no one expects to happen. Paul describes bitterness as similar to cancer. And this highlights the dangers of unresolved conflict.
Lets look at the next point.
Point 4: Verbal abuse
Verbal abuse takes the issue to another level. This is where the person who is hurt by the issue starts to speak insulting words towards their offender. This is situation can get hostile quickly. Loud talking, taunting, mocking, ridicule, you name it that is what verbal abuse looks like.
Imagine being in a meeting and every time a colleague is shares their views, there is a backhanded comment, or someone says something disrespectful. This can cause can raise the temperature of the room very quickly if handled inappropriately.
Now ask yourself this question would you feel comfortable being in a room and someone is being rude? How productive would that meeting be? If your partner is insulting you how would that affect your relationship?
This brings me to our final point
Point 5: Division
Division is when a line is being drawn between you and other people. A barrier of sorts that can’t be seen with the human eye. Have you ever talked with someone and you can sense that there is a something between you and them like a wall. It’s not a free flowing conversation. Its restricted, stiff like a well starched shirt. Sometimes when talking you can almost tell that the other person is holding back.
That’s what division looks like in a relationship. These signs are very obvious in the workplace and in our homes. Division can prevent progress, it can restrict the sharing of information and stop collaboration all together.
Conclusion
Here are some things to think about:
- Do you trust the person you work with or even your spouse of family members?
- Have you at anytime felt any form of resentment?
- Have you experienced verbal abuse or abused others?
- Is there any bitterness in your relationships?
- Are you relationships divided?
Something to think about.
For more episodes https:andraepalmer.com/podcast